(jokes, tests,...)Favorites!!!

[Nereid]

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.


*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.


***********************
one day,John looks up at the sky and says:

JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?

God replied:

GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: God, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...​

 

[Huashan]

Wow... very funny

i like science humor ... how about you ?

for example
::::::

Q: Why did Albert Einstein cross the street?

A: To get away from Niels Bohr. But when he got to the other side Bohr was
there also.

:::::

:lol::lol::lol:

could you understand it ?

comments :
it`s about probabilities in quantum mechanics

it`s intresting , isn`t it ?

​

 

[pilot]

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.


*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.


***********************
one day,John looks up at the sky and says:

JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?

God replied:

GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: God, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...​

coooooooool

Wow... very funny

i like science humor ... how about you ?

for example
::::::

Q: Why did Albert Einstein cross the street?

A: To get away from Niels Bohr. But when he got to the other side Bohr was
there also.

:::::

:lol::lol::lol:

could you understand it ?

comments :
it`s about probabilities in quantum mechanics

it`s intresting , isn`t it ?

​

Oops I dont know quantum
thanks

 

[pilot]

The difference between George Washington,Richard Nixon and Clinton is:

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't
tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.​

 

[Nereid]

Wow... very funny

i like science humor ... how about you ?

for example
::::::

Q: Why did Albert Einstein cross the street?

A: To get away from Niels Bohr. But when he got to the other side Bohr was
there also.

:::::

:lol::lol::lol:

could you understand it ?

comments :
it`s about probabilities in quantum mechanics

it`s intresting , isn`t it ?

​

Yep!

*****************
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Max Planck..Chicken can only cross road in fixed intervals of time, which are multiples of the fundamental time decided by dist, speed and size of chick...and no other times are allowed.

S. Chandrashekhar : Whether the chicken actually crossed the road can only be told by weighing it first and putting an upper limit to the mass in the integral of the road.

Eddington: Only two ppl on this entire earth know how the chicken crossed the road. Einstein and me.

Stephen Hawking: we can explain this by moving the video of the motion of the chicken in the backward direction and study the beggining of its motion.

My Physics teacher: I cannot tell u that as it is beyond the scope of ur text book.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.





​

 

[Nereid]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were drivng down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bounching off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.

The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."


​

 

[Huashan]

Oops I dont know quantum
thanks

WHY?
well ... i think i can tell you something , if you want ... see it
​

Yep!

*****************
Why did the chicken cross the road?
....

​

:lol: great!!!
​

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

i dont know him ... where did you find it ?​

 

[Nereid]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2 A day without sunshine is like -- night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
Or
He who luaghs last , thinks slowest!

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21 If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

​

WHY?
well ... i think i can tell you something , if you want ... see it




:lol: great!!!


i dont know him ... where did you find it ?​

He's not a physicist!
I found this joke here!​

 

[seymour]

i dont know him ... where did you find it ?​

you don't know the guy ? ... he's probably the second most well known psychiatrist ... after Freud I mean ...

 

[Huashan]

you don't know the guy ? ... he's probably the second most well known psychiatrist ... after Freud I mean ...

Oh... now i remember ...you`re right

i thought he`is physicist ... for this reason , i asked that question

by the way ... how much you use that phrase ... I mean " I mean " :lol:

I saw frequently you use that in your posts

​

 

[Huashan]

....

He's not a physicist!
I found this joke here!​

you know PF ؟

this is one of my favorite forums

​

 

[Nereid]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"​

you know PF ؟

this is one of my favorite forums


​

!Yes, that's a great website full of cool members​

 

[seymour]

by the way ... how much you use that phrase ... I mean " I mean " :lol:

I saw frequently you use that in your posts

​

Does it bother you ? ... I mean if bothers you , I gotta use it more

(kidding) !!!!​

you know PF ؟

this is one of my favorite forums

​

what is the address?​

 

[Nereid]

"The reasonable man adapts to the world around him, while the unreasonable person tries to change the world to suit him. Conclusion: Change only occurs because of unreasonable people"

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Roosevelt, Eleanor"​

what is the address?​

PF
​

 

[Huashan]

Does it bother you ? ... I mean if bothers you , I gotta use it more

(kidding) !!!!

what is the address?​

Oh ... no .. Not at all , well, i guess you like that ... have you ever seen ' CHAHAR KHONE' show ? ... Hamed .. he always say " you know " .. i think " I mean " is the same as " you know " ... or something like this... am i right ?

http://www.physicsforums.com/​

 

[Nereid]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?"
So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertaining people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said:"Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have claves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I'll gie you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.


On the 4th day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 monkey gave back, and the 10 dog gave back; that makes eighty, okey?"
"Okey," said God, "You asked for it."


So that's why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last 10 years we sit on the fornt porch and bark at everyone.​

 

[bloody]

really NICE! i enjoy it very much lizard!!
especially the last ten years

I hope I will never encounter those days!!!
i' m ready to give it back...

 

[Nereid]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the student who finished in one minute got an A. The rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. This is what he wrote: "What chair?"




Here you can read other versions of this joke!​

really NICE! i enjoy it very much lizard!!
especially the last ten years

I hope I will never encounter those days!!!
i' m ready to give it back...

!Sorry to dissapoint but there's no turn in back
Wish you have a happy life and living for so many years

 

[Nereid]

A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and an accountant attend an interview for a job.

Interviewer: What's 2+2?
Phy: It's 4 +/- 0.001.

Int: What's 2+2?
Eng: It's 3.99 to a good approximation.

Int: What's 2+2?
Math: I have no idea what 2+2 is, but I do know that a solution exists.

Int: What's 2+2?
Acc: *Looks around to make sure that no one's listening and says* What do you want it to be?


********************
An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. "You will note," said the stuffy Oxford scholar, "that in the English language, two negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can mean a negative." To which someone in the back responded, "yeah, yeah."

​

 

[Huashan]

mouses society

schrodinger`s cat had committed some crimes , like eating mouse...


wanted , schrodinger`s cat

dead and alive

...how is it ? ...I`ve made it ...​