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Nereid

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staring at a closed door!

English Lord

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NeverLand
:)hi buddies
i dont have anything to say now but
your topic is very nice
thank you for your participation:):happy:
 

Nereid

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staring at a closed door!
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself

with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's

not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin

Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
:)hi buddies
i dont have anything to say now but
your topic is very nice
thank you for your participation:):happy:

Hi:)
Hope you're doing well?
 

Nereid

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WINNERS AND LOSERS


A winner makes commitments;

A loser makes promises.

When a winner makes a mistake, he says, “I was wrong”;

When a loser makes a mistake he says, “It wasn’t my fault”.

A winner works harder than a loser, and has more time;

A loser is always “too busy” to do what is necessary.

A winner isn’t nearly as afraid of losing;

As a loser is secretly afraid of winning.

A winner goes through a problem;

A loser goes around it and never gets past it.

A winner says, “Let’s find out”;

A loser says, “Nobody knows.”

A winner knows what to fight for and what to settle for;

A loser settles for what he shouldn’t and fights for what isn’t worthwhile fighting for.

A winner shows he is sorry by making up for it;

A loser says, “I’m sorry,” but does the same thing the next time.

A winner would rather be admired than liked, although he would prefer both;

A loser would rather be liked than admired, and is even willing to pay the price of contempt for it.

A winner listens;

A loser just waits until it is his turn to talk.

A winner says, “There ought to be a better way to do it”;

A loser says, “That is the way it has always been done here.”

A winner respects those who are superior to him and tries to learn something from them;

A loser resents those who are superior to him, and tries to find their faults.

A winner paces himself;

A loser has only two speeds, hysterical and lethargic.

A winner knows when the price of winning comes too high;

A loser is overly eager to win what he cannot handle or keep.

A winner appreciates his abilities , and is aware of his limitations;

A loser is oblivious both of his true abilities and his obvious limitations.

A winner learns from his mistakes;

A loser learns only not to make mistakes by never doing anything different.

A loser becomes bitter when he is behind and careless when he is ahead;

A winner keeps his cool no matter which position he finds himself in.

A loser is envious of winners and contemptuous of other losers;

A winner judges others only by how well they live up to their own capacities.

A loser leans on those stronger than himself and takes out his frustrations on those weaker than himself;

A winner leans on himself, and does not feel imposed upon when he is leaned on.

A loser thinks there are rules for winning or losing;

A winner knows that the only rule is be who you are, and become all you were meant to be, which is the only winning game in the world.

A winner knows how much he still has to learn, even when he is considered an expert by others;

A loser wants to be considered an expert by others before he has even learned enough to know how little he knows.

A winner, in the end, gives more than he takes;

A loser dies clinging to the illusion that “winning” means taking more than you give.




 

Nereid

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staring at a closed door!
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?".....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 

TheBoss

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HaMeDaN
Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

 

TheBoss

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HaMeDaN
digital clock
Q: What did the digital clock say to his mother?

A: Look ma no hands!


:lol:
Biting Nails
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

:f34r:
 

Nereid

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staring at a closed door!
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
 

English Lord

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NeverLand
excuse me dear lizard did you find these jokes somewhere or not?becuase i have heard some of your jokes
but anyway thank you
 

TheBoss

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HaMeDaN
You r doing this man .just keep it up.keeep it up to date dear l!zard
 

Nereid

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staring at a closed door!
Break-ups: by college major:

PSYCHOLOGY
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY
One tried to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATER
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relatonship of 2 weeks..."

WOMAN'S STUDIES
"HE did it!"


BUSINESS
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY
"I never liked your bdy anyway."

ECONOMICS
One party demands more than the other can supply.​


You r doing this man .just keep it up.keeep it up to date dear l!zard

excuse me dear lizard did you find these jokes somewhere or not?becuase i have heard some of your jokes
but anyway thank you


Thanks!:)
 

English Lord

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NeverLand
One student who didn’t speak much English wanted to impress her teacher one day. She had to walk past him while the teacher was talking to someone. She said,”excuse me, can I pass away”​
 

Nereid

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staring at a closed door!
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."​



One student who didn’t speak much English wanted to impress her teacher one day. She had to walk past him while the teacher was talking to someone. She said,”excuse me, can I pass away”​

:D:D
 

English Lord

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NeverLand
a student who is studying english as a foreign language was confuzed when he saw the words "open here" on a boz of laundry soap,so he asks the clerk,"can't i wait untill i get home to open it?"ha​
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
 

Nereid

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staring at a closed door!
By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday, I have finally found inner peace.

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started but never finished."

So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin, a packet of Jaffa cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates............

You have no idea how bloody good I feel!





***************************

Q.How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.Just one, but the lightbulb has to "want" to change.



***************************

Q. How many depressed people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.None! Because they prefer to sit in darkness!




****************************

A statement by a schizophrenic psychology student: I think, therefore we are.


 

mahi58

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Tehran
فکر می کنم جمله امضای Lizard عزیز ( When a wise man argues at length with a fool, it becomes difficult to distinguish who is the fool ) خودش یکی از زیباترین جملات انگلیسی باشه.
واقعا الهام بخش و پر معنیه، و من خودم به تجربه کاملا بهش رسیدم.
128fs318181.gif
 

mahi58

مدیر انجمن عکس و عکاسی
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Tehran
Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted​
 

Nereid

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staring at a closed door!
فکر می کنم جمله امضای Lizard عزیز ( When a wise man argues at length with a fool, it becomes difficult to distinguish who is the fool ) خودش یکی از زیباترین جملات انگلیسی باشه.
واقعا الهام بخش و پر معنیه، و من خودم به تجربه کاملا بهش رسیدم.
128fs318181.gif

"Never wrestle with a pig, you get all dirty and the pig enjoys it"

""Don't argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and they've had more practice"

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man"


Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted​


:D:D:D
خیلی باحال بود!!!!!!!!!!!
 

English Lord

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NeverLand
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

What are you doing?" She asked.

Hunting Flies" He responded

Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"


He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."​

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
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