(jokes, tests,...)Favorites!!!

[English Lord]

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"​

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[English Lord]

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...


Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?​

:lol::lol::lol:

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.i 've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:::lol::lol:

:blush::blush:

 

[snail]

Finally, here is a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate!




Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?




Answer : Princess

Diana's death.




Question : How come?




Answer :


An English princess with


an Egyptian boyfriend


crashes in a French


tunnel, driving a


German car


with a Dutch engine,


driven by a Belgian


who was drunk


on Scottish whisky,


(check the bottle before you change the spelling),


followed closely by


Italian Paparazzi,


on Japanese motorcycles;


treated by an American doctor, using


Brazilian medicines.





This is sent to you by


An Iranian,


using Bill Gates's technology,


and you're probably reading this on your computer,


that uses Taiwanese


chips, and a


Korean monitor,


assembled by


Bangladeshi workers


in a Singapore plant,


transported by Indian


lorry-drivers,


hijacked by Indonesians,


unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,


and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....



That, my friends, is Globalization!

 

[English Lord]

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars​

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[English Lord]

I'm Walking Backwards for...One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?""I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."​

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[English Lord]

the lady was visiting the aquarium."can you tell me whether i could get a live shark here?"she askd an attendant.
live shark?what could you bring with a live shark?
a neighboors's cat has been eating my goldfish,nd i want to teach him a lesson

:lol::lol::lol::lol:​

 

[English Lord]

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?​

:lol::lol:

 

[English Lord]

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"​

:lol::lol:

 

[snail]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad. .she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card (it's in my center desk drawer).

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home .

 

[English Lord]

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

:lol::lol::lol::lol:​

 

[English Lord]

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

SO, NEVER GET MARRIED!​

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[snail]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.
The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[melpomene]

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars​

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

and also GLOBALIZATION

NICE!

​

 

[botulism]

The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

 

[Nereid]

Thanks all of you! Your jokes are really funny!
Snail, your globalization joke was great​

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

​

The Atheist and the Shark

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

:lol::lol:Oh poor man

 

[botulism]

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

 

[Nereid]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, No health insurance. The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, No money in the bank. The nun asked, Do you have a relative who could help you? He said, I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. The patient replied, Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.
​

 

[HappyDreams]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, No health insurance. The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, No money in the bank. The nun asked, Do you have a relative who could help you? He said, I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. The patient replied, Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.
​

fantastic

 

[Nereid]

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
​

fantastic

!Glad that you liked it​

 

[snail]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you yesterday," the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day the same guy calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Sorry," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do
better than that

:lol::lol:
but i heard do your best in your first time