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[Nereid]

Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find

Money = Work/Knowledge

The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*

​

 

[Bella_aster]

Very nice 1!
So how about yourself? which type are you?​

u'r welcome

I think Internet one... ofcourse u should ask others

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear​

so funny... by the way , which one u r?
​

 

[Nereid]

u'r welcome

I think Internet one... ofcourse u should ask others



so funny... by the way , which one u r?
[/LEFT]

We're waiting for the little voice to tell us which number to press. Then we must find someone to press that number repeatedly although we know that they just want to keep us on the line long enough to trace the call and they're not going to help us at all!
:wacko:

 

[Bella_aster]

We're waiting for the little voice to tell us which number to press. Then we must find someone to press that number repeatedly although we know that they just want to keep us on the line long enough to trace the call and they're not going to help us at all!
:wacko:

wow
:f34r:



-=[Hilarious Court Cases]=-

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
--------------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
--------------------------------------

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
--------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
--------------------------------------

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
--------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
-------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
--------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
--------------------------------------​

 

[Bella_aster]

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...

Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"

The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots
him in the head and kills him!


He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"​

 

[Bella_aster]

:LIFE WITHOUT GIRLS:

The result

Markets silent
Streets empty
The police at rest
All mobile companies in loss
No SMS
No Flowers
No Valentine
No Candles
No Perfumes
All the men directed to Heaven​

 

[ßruce]

I know a little German . He's standing over there

 

[nsh]

from seedmore.com

Urban Dictionary is the slang dictionary you wrote. Define your world:

SAMPLES:i’m just sayin’


A phrase that is used when someone is offended by something you said. This phrase then removes all the offensiveness of the previous statement, making it all good.

Ryan: That chick has nice t.its!
Rob: Damn, that’s my sister!
Ryan: I’m just sayin’
Rob: Oh, okay, it’s cool.


—————————————mouse potato


Someone who spends all their time on the computer surfing the net or playing games. Similar to couch potato.
You spent seven hours on the internet creating meanings for words on urban dictionary? Wow, You’re such a mouse potato

————————————————————–


bats in the cave

visible clumps of nose goblins, often found clinging to nasal hair.
“you need to blow your nose, you got some serious bats in the cave!!”
—————————————


critical a.ss


adj. The stage in fat accumulation when fabric can no longer contain the enormity of one’s buttocks.
Jesus, I can’t zip up these jeans anymore - I’ve reached critical a.ss!

 

[nsh]

i recomend reading the vista part ( it'd be a little hard for computer newbies )


If operating systems were beers:



DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
Once considered the world’s most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Windows 98 Beer
Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it’s freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer’s claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.

Windows ME Beer
The worst of all the windows beers ever. They claim it’s great, and you will most definitely be satisfied. You take it home and are ready to experience your first taste of Windows ME beer, you crack it open, take a taste, curse and swear repeatedly. You pack up your Windows ME beer, take it back to the liquor store and demand they exchange you for Windows 2000 Beer.

Windows 2000 Beer
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be “the” beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won’t be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it’s combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.

Windows XP Beer
This new line of beer, usually comes in home brew or professional brew and in bottles, however you will see some micro-brew XP’s out there. They are ok, but usually just mask the flavor with alot of “extra ingredients” that no-one really needs or uses. There is a few subtle differences between home brew and pro brew. Most deal with networking your beers with other beers, lets say at a party or a social gathering. Windows XP beer will far surpass Windows 2000 Beer and people will drink it more than any other Windows beer, however the first line of XP beers that came out were highly inconsistent and the brewery soon released updated packages of beer. I’d highly recommend drinking a minimum of SP2. SP3 XP beer is ok, however alot of them will not give you permission to open the lid when taken out. The end result is usually going to the store for some more SP2.

Windows Vista Beer
This is the newest release from the Microsoft line of beers. It was clearly developed to compete with the new MacOS beer released. MacOS will prove to be far smoother to drink than Vista beer, it will be less susceptible to spoilage do to a different type of bottle. Vista beer will claim these amazing things, self opening top, quick recovery if there is a spill or drop of some kind, different colored clear glass so you can see your desktop through your beer bottle. The most noticeable of all new items is the quick shut mouth. Every time you wish to take a sip, the top of the bottle automatically closes and asks, “Are you sure you’d like to take a drink? The publisher of these lips could not be verified at this time.” At this point you may continue drinking at your own risk, or simply put the bottle down because you haven’t had a beer since Windows 95 Beer and have no clue what beer is like these days. Despite all these new and improved features, Vista beer is having a hard time competing with it’s predecessor Windows Xp beer. Most packs of vista come with at least 2 - 3 bottles broken out of the box. They weren’t like that when you left the liquor store by the way, no matter how gentle you were in transporting. The word around town and from your friends is that Vista Beer will make you want to pull your hair out with every sip. You should just drink XP beer instead.

Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

Linux Beer
LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.

AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you’re told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

 

[Bella_aster]

New Theory about Women :

1. To find a woman you need time and money therefore:
women = time x money ............@

2. " Time is money " so
time = money ...........................@

3. Therefore:
women =money x money
women = ( money )^2 ............@

4. "Money is the root of all problems "
money = ( problems )^1/2 ......@

5. Therefore:
women = (problems)^2/2

And the final conclusion is

-------------------------------
women = problems
-------------------------------

Hey if you are a girl , this is just for fun,
Now don't get angry and create any problem to prove that this theory is correct....

 

[Nereid]

Well I just recieved this email

!Warning: don't read it if you feel cold right now

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play Hide-n-seek.




روزی همه دانشمندان مردند و وارد بهشت شدند.آنها تصمیم گرفتند تا قایم موشک بازی کنند.

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He Is supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching.


متاسفانه انشتین اولین نفری بود که باید چشم می گذاشت.. او باید تا ۱۰۰ میشمرد و سپس شروع به جستجو میکرد.


Everyone starts hiding except Newton …


همه پنهان شدند الا نیوتون …


Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it Right in front of Einstein!


نیوتون فقط یک مربع به طول یک متر کشید و درون آن ایستاد. دقیقا در مقابل انشتین!


Einstein's counting …97, 98, 99 and 100


انشتین شمرد 97، 98، 99 و 100


He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says Newton's out, Newton s out.

او چشماشو باز کرد ودید که نیوتون در مقابل چشماش ایستاده.. انشتین فریاد زد نیوتون بیرون ( سک سک) نیوتون بیرون (سک سک.(

Newton denies and says I am not out.

نیوتون با خونسردی تکذیب کرد و گفت من بیرون نیستم.

He claims that he is not Newton!

او ادعا کرد که اصلا من نیوتون نیستم!

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton …

تمام دانشمندان از مخفیگاهشون بیرون اومدن تا ببینن اون چطور میخواد ثابت کنه که نیوتون نیست…

Newton says I am standing in a square of area 1 m squared. That makes me Newton per meter squared …

نیوتون ادامه داد که من در یک مربع به مساحت یک متر مربع ایستاده ام… که منو نیتون بر متر مربع میکنه

Since one Newton per Meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is out!!

از آنجایی که نیوتون بر متر مربع برابر یک پاسکال می باشد، بنابراین من پاسکالم، پس پاسکال باید بیرون بره!! (پاسکال سک سک).

 

[Bella_aster]

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

DIVORCE:
Future Tense
of Marriage

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes
before marriage

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life

YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth

ETC:
A sign
to make others believe
that you know
more than
you actually do

COMMITTEE:
Individuals
who can do
nothing individually
and sit to decide
that nothing can be done
together

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes

ATOM BOMB:
An invention
to bring an end
to all
inventions

PHILOSOPHER:
A fool
who torments himself
during life,
to be spoken of
when dead

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

OPPORTUNIST:
A person
who starts taking bath
if he
accidentally falls
into a river

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST:
A person
who says that
O is the last letter
in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature

CRIMINAL:
A guy
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
​

 

[English Lord]

A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!" ​

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[English Lord]

where are you L!ZARD????!!!!Its is your own Topic.....Come on buddy Come on..

:blush::blush::blush:
​

 

[Nereid]

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.


//

Read more jokes here
​

where are you L!ZARD????!!!!Its is your own Topic.....Come on buddy Come on..

:blush::blush::blush:
​

Well, this topic belongs to PT and its members! For no better reason that I can't delete it if I'd ever want

Partly kidding, I've not posted here because I've not heard any funny joke recently

 

[Amadea]

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling

 

[English Lord]

Well, this topic belongs to PT and its members! For no better reason that I can't delete it if I'd ever want

Partly kidding, I've not posted here because I've not heard any funny joke recently

Yes...You are right..But when you just post a new thread you should be responsible for it.Therefore, you are not obliged to do so
that's just my own opinion
take it easy buddy

 

[English Lord]

I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon​

 

[English Lord]

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.​

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."​

"I know," says the second owner.​

How do you know?"​

"My dog told me.​

 

[Nereid]

I hadn't heard some of them:
http://www.uoregon.edu/~gilkey/dirhumor/ExamQuestions/ExamQuestions.html
​